“Don’t. Don’t do this to yourself.” Chris pulled Lottie up from the floor where she was curled up. “Turn this off….you don’t have to do this to yourself anymore.” Lottie didn’t move to turn the music off, she just let herself cling to Chris’ body, her hands fisted into his t-shirt. “Come on baby….why.”

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

“Let me be miserable.” Lottie murmured, her voice scratchy from crying and lack of use for the past few hours. 
“You don’t have to be miserable anymore…you’re not alone anymore.”

Read More

ronstoppableismypatronus:

dreamt last night that he was engaged. and he and his brother came to tell me that personally. and he came to invite me to his wedding. and his fianceéunderstandably gave me the biggest bitch-face ever while I was talking to him.

and then he picked me up and held me as I wrapped my legs around him and put my head on my shoulder and told him that I was happy for him - and also really comfortable, and I told his fianceé that I was super comfortable, but she should know, yeah? and she told him she wanted to leave.

and I was ok with him getting married to her.

and I was ok with her taking him away.

and for a moment we were happy.

because for the first time ever, we were friends. 

“You’re perfect for me, -“

“But?”

“What do you mean, ‘but’?”

“That’s a line.”

“….No I’m just -“

“What is it about me that’s not good enough for you?”

“Who says you’re not good enough?”

“Look, you may think that 20 years old is a little young to be giving up, but I have friends who are older than me and are just like me and no one has given them a second glance either. I know how I’m going to end up. Alone. So what is it? Too tall? Too short? Too skinny? Not enough curves? Does my personality suck?”

“No that’s not -“

“There’s a catch. There has to be.”

“Why does there have to be a catch?”

“There always is a catch. Why would someone like you ever want to be with someone like me?”

“You say that like there’s something wrong with you.”

“Maybe there is.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with you. I like you just the way you are.”

“I guess so.”

“You guess so?”

“Yeah.”

“You think there’s a catch to all of this?”

“Do you think I’d say ‘yes’ to that if I wasn’t single? I’m always single. I’m never good enough.”

“The only catching going on is me being there to catch you if you should ever fall. Because I’m not going anywhere.”

“That’s not what I meant -“

“But I love you. So why would I let you go?”

“Love you” he said as he squeezed her hand and turned to walk away. Then he realized what he said and his eyes widened as he tried to back pedal, “I mean uh -“

“I know you do” she said as she pulled him back towards her and kissed him softly on the cheek. “Thank you for walking with me.” She gathered her things and walked away, letting his friends come over and surround him. She sent him a smile over her shoulder, and he responded by weakly waving his hand before quickly turning away. 

Forget the fact that he knows that I’m in love/like with him.
Forget that he wouldn’t talk to me for a week
Because he was “thinking about stuff.”
Forget how happy I was when he hugged me.
Forget how happy he makes me in general.
Forget how I can be depressed, and down,
And he can just show up and say hi, and BOOM, I’m ok.
Forget all that? I can’t do that.

Forgetting him is harder than it seems.

Forget about how when we play basketball,
I can get all close to him,
And it won’t seem odd.
Forget how when we play basketball,
And I can goof off and be stupid,
And not look stupid.
Forget how I have finally found someone who sucks at lay ups as much as me.

Forget how he makes me smile.
Forget how he makes me laugh.
Forget how he makes me feel,
I just. Can’t. Forget. Him.

Forget how I can go and be all depressed, and he’ll listen.
Forget how I can talk to him about anything, and he’ll help.

Forgetting him is hard.

Forget how wimpy he is.
Forget about him and spiders.
Forget about how he’s afraid of getting sprayed by the hose.
Forget the way he talks to me.
Forget the way he acts around me.
Forget the way he walks.
Forget the way he talks.

Forget him.

Forget the way he walks with me.
Forget the way he looks confused.
Forget the way he is.

Forget him.

Forget the way you like him.
Forget everything you two have said.
Forget the way your heart skips a beat when you see him.

Forget him.

Forget the way he said “I have a girlfriend now.”
Forget the way he held you when you cried.
Forget how concerned he was for you.
Forget how he said he liked you too.
Forget how he made jokes,
That might seem mean.
Forget how you laughed when he said those things.

Forget how you feel when you think about him.
Forget him, Anna.
He’s not your friend.

Forget him.
Forget him.
That’s what they say.

But I can’t forget him.

Because then I’d be throwing parts of me away. 

It was Lottie’s first day of school at a brand new school. It all seemed familiar, yet strange - but then again it was a school. How different could schools be? She walked through the hallways, checking the numbers on the doors, looking for her next class. She wasn’t paying attention, and suddenly she bumped into someone. Looking up in surprise and in preparation to stutter out an apology, her eyes locked with a pair of familiar brown eyes. 

Read More

“Are you busy today?”

“Don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what?”

“I’m in a relationship.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“But I like my girlfriend.”

“Good for you.”

“I don’t want to break up with her.”

“No one is making you.”

“But you said you love me.”

“So?”

“So you’re over me?”

“No. I’m still in love with you.”

“I don’t want to break your heart because I can’t be with you.”

“Oh sweetie my heart is already shattered. But the question was, are you busy today?”

“No.”

They didn’t talk. They didn’t have anything else to say. She lay it all on the line and he didn’t want it. So they didn’t talk about it. It had been a long time since they had had a real conversation. But through the games, they say the things that they wanted to - no, needed to say to each other.

wreck. joke. bone. us. 

He’d never know how honest she was being, and he’d never know how hurt she was from his “honesty.”

They don’t speak. This isn’t a conversation. But she’ll say whatever she can with the words and the letters and the time she has. 

No more lies, it’s all honesty. She’ll speak the truth even if it kills her. She’ll say whatever she can to keep him around, even if for just a moment. 

“You know I’ll always love you” she said as she curled into his side. “Even in your moments like this where all you want to do is throw me out of a window and drown your sorrows in alcohol, I’ll love you.” He started to say something but she cut him off. “I know it’s a one way street, and I’ve accepted that now. I’m ok with this. Just being here for you, in the little way that I am, is good enough for me. Just being in your life is good enough.”

“How? How can that be enough for you?” He asked softly as he lay there, trying not to hold onto her, trying not to send her anything that could be misconstrued as a mixed signal. “I know you, and unrequited love has never been enough for you.”

She lay there for a moment before shifting to move his arm so that it wrapped around her waist. “That’s just the thing. It’s not enough, but it will have to be. Until the day that I die, I will always love you with all my heart, whether you deserve it or not. I just can’t let you go and I’ve given up trying to.”

“I feel like I should say something but I can’t.”

“Then don’t. Don’t ruin this with words.” She lifted her chin slightly to kiss him softly on the cheek before burrowing down further under the covers. He tightened his hold on her and placed a soft kiss on top of her head. 

“Just friends then?” He asked softly.

“Anything for you.” She whispered before closing her eyes on drifting off to sleep.

“I can’t believe you just sprung this on me in a drunken voicemail.”

“You really didn’t know?”

“How would I have known?”

“How could you not have known! Come on! I used to just sit in your house while you did other shit - not even paying attention to me - just so I could be near you! You blow me off all the time and I still make an effort to see you! I even told you right before you moved. Remember when I kissed you and then said something about wondering if I’d wasted 6 years of my life or not? How did you not see it? I mean, I’m oblivious - one of my “straight” best friends had a crush on me for 6 months before I realized it. But even so, I noticed. AND SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS STRAIGHT. I LOVED YOU FOR 8 YEARS.”

“…I never…”

“Do you remember the poems I used to push into your hands? Do you remember the mix cds I used to give to you? Do you remember when I asked you out? I remember exactly where we were. We were in front of your house, playing basketball and it was right after you and her broke up. You said you needed space and I gave it to you. Remember how I would ask you to homecoming and prom? I remember what I was wearing the first day I ever met you.”

“I just…I always saw you as a little sister.”

“DON’T LIE. Don’t lie to yourself, and don’t lie to me. You knew. You had to know.”

“I don’t know what to say to you.”

“Why are you still here?”

“What?”

“Why do you still want to be my friend? I’m clearly here because I can’t stay away. But since in 8 years you haven’t ONCE picked up on anything I’m wondering what it is that keeps you coming back. You don’t care, so what is it?”

“I don’t…I don’t know.”